She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
we just ha sex. he lasted two minutes. i told him to leave because i had class
isnt today saturday?
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
So again no comment on the cleavage. I'm a bit disappointed. If those girls come together to make cleavage AND I send you a pic of it, you have to comment on it. That's like relationship 101.
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
Randomize
