Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
Randomize
