And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
I guess the weekly d&d orgies are treating you well
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
I couldn't be more proud to be a cougar. Just wondering how these twenty somethings learned how to fuck so well? Must be porn.
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
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