so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
they just tried to tell me they weren't big into drugs. A) it was the 70's. B) I've seen the pictures.
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
Randomize
