Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
I miss vodka workout Fridays
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
One of these days I would like to go out drinking and stick to plan of just getting drunk and not be sidetracked with other people's plans of doing drugs along the way. I didn't even want to not feel my teeth tonight but here we go just another Thursday night when you live I live
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
