I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
Her tits are absolutely massive. Like ripleys believe it or not shit
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
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