I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
Sending a pic of labia to send to the TN Legislator. Obviously they don't think I know what to do with it so I'm gonna ask them for advice.
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
Randomize
