Are u religion class? I'm on my way, I have cum in my hair. tell u later.
happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
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