I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
just had an encounter with drunk people from out of state at dairy queen. they wanted to stay till march to see the high school play.
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
Randomize
