OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
Like if it it's practical for your sexual health I'm allergic to it AKA REGULAR CONDOMS
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
Haha we both slept with guys named Brad born on may 1st. This is a proud day for sisters.
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
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