i only hope i can top last weeks sext session
I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
did he really ask u insert a warm banna in ur anal?
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
I think your dad took our porno
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
Randomize
