youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
we knew we'd be okay when we walked up to the dealers house and he asked us to please be quiet as to not wake his nana.
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
I am not even close to finishing violently masturbating over that video.
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
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