I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
