Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
He has a bed frame and a headboard.... That match his dresser and nightstand...
Hahah. That's good.
I feel like you don't understand the severity with which this weirds me out...
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
You're breaking my sexual little heart
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
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