Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
You work out of a Hotel?
I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
May the power of my ass compel you!!
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
Randomize
