and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
Randomize
