Dude, she DOES look like she'd give good head. No bottom jaw, I checked.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
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