This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
I heard liver failure is in for 2012 anyways
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Randomize
