The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
doooooooo herrrrrrrrr
I'm out of practice. be my yoda
put your penis in her you must.
At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
Randomize
