I want to make a zoo with you.
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Randomize
