Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
Well she got high, deleted the essay she was working on, and then ordered dominos. We all manage stress in different ways.
I feel like your dick pick is everywhere. Never have I needed to be so careful when posting pictures.
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
Randomize
