No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"
She has more profile pics than tagged pics. narcissism at its best.
Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
I JUST REALIZED HOW SOFT YOUR TABLE IS! and I also just started rolling
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
Randomize
