My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
I'm not an expert but calling her the "hot lesbian" isn't going to coerce her into a 3some with you
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
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