my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
I am soup sandwich. I have been at dAnce party
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
Randomize
