She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
my last 3 google searches were anal itchy vagina and ice cubes
And I know a few people wouldnt want to even be around high people. Which is sad. But jet packs are cool.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
Randomize
