I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
You just can't come from being "the girl who shit her pants."
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
