I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
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