two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
No. I still stand by my previous statement that nachos and tequila is the breakfast of champions.
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
i need some magic done to my vagina
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
Randomize