Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
Security said no more parties of this kind. To me that translates to Theme party this weekend.
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
We will. we just need a little inspiration.... in smoke form.
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
Randomize
