Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
she screamed "gravy"!!! in the guys face and then stole the very large mans food in line ahead of us... that was just the beginging of the police report.
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
Randomize
