allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
if this hangover is indicative of how 2011 is gonna be, i want nothing to do with it
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
So I figured it out. There's two types of shitters. Moaners and grunters. And on occasion there's a third. It's the ill fabled grunt moaner.
Randomize
