I think my vagina is haunted
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
Just got done reading an 11 page essay for class. Took me three fucking days and the only thing I have highlighted is the name "Alexander Cockburn"
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
Randomize
