I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
Randomize
