2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
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