my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
How is there a hawk inside this house? More importantly how the hell is he handling it without any gear?
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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