I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
I just found puke in my bra..
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
Randomize
