6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
I made him laugh his dick is mine
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
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