God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
This girl has a mullet weave. I missed oakland.
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
Randomize
