I have a pretty basic diameter of my vaginal abyss. I'm sure it won't hurt.
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
As for the 14 hours of vodka. I am all that is man.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
She wanted me to watch her masterbate and after she thanked me for a wonderful evening and left. This state is weird.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
Randomize
