You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
Randomize
