I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
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