Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
Randomize
