Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
My boyfriend and my fuck buddy are going to the strip club together... Should I be concerned?
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
My orgasm happened in two different decades
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