its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
At victory brunch. Have a decent story. Im now eskimo brother with the duke mens basketball teams from 2002 to 2008 and obamas right hand man
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
Randomize
