drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
