Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
are you comparing glasses to pregnancy
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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