What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
triple team girl just facebook chatted me. do i tell her i had a nice time?
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Randomize
