Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
she came back from her house with A paper cut , a 2liter of sprite with Bacardi , and half a mustache . we're inviting her more ofte
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
I dunno. The drunker I get, the easier econ gets. I may be onto something here.
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
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