I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
woke up between a girl's legs. make your own conclusion.
Randomize
