I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
I've been back for one day and I've already given two bjs. Improvement from last year.
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
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