I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
Randomize