Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
50% drunk capacity currently
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
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