my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
this kid at 40 friday greeted another kid by saying "heeey farmville neighbor"
dude.
yep. needless to say i didn't meet anyone and spent yet another friday night masturbating.
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize