i just realized that we are the poor version of bethenny and jill from real housewives... and I'm jill. this is a 6.5 on the depressing scale
at least we're not in new jersey
so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
I hope to God it wasnt poon. That odor was unnatural, it was satanic pussy.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
Randomize
