Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
Of course I understand. Thou shalt never turn down a free meal or drink. It's one of the commandments of being a girl.
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
How drunk are you?
Completed.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
Randomize
