I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.
The beer is more important than you right now.
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Randomize
