I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
I deserve this hangover.
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
Randomize
